It’s no joke.
I’m not even sure where to start with a post like this.
My cousin Payam passed away 3 weeks ago.
I’m in shock… still. I’m pissed off and angry almost as much as I’m just plain sad and depressed. Our family has been through a lot in the last 23 years. Last week we stood at the same grave that we buried my other cousin Payman (his brother!), 23 years ago. Life is not fair. You are not supposed to bury your children and you sure as shit are not supposed to bury them both. I look at my aunt and I don’t know how she lived through the first one…except I do. She lived for Payam. Everyday she got up and she got through it for him and now he’s gone too. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. And to just add to the absolute unfairness, now their are two young kids navigating this world without their dad.
Payam was one of a kind, in an almost unexplainable way. He married us 6 months ago. That’s how important this man was to me. He wasn’t just my cousin, he was probably the closest thing I ever had to a brother. Everything he did, he did with good intentions and his whole heart. He had a way of making you feel immediately comfortable in any situation. He was a fantastic husband and an even better father. He taught me how to pitch a tent and camp, granted he did most everything when we went camping. We talked about cars, horsepower, torque (still not clear on this), and our love of driving and fishtailing fast cars. Every time I hear Reggae and Bob Marley I think of him, he must know I need it because I’ve been here all kind of Marley songs over the last few weeks.
I don’t know if I ever talked about how close we are as a family, but I like to think that we are special. The way we all love each other so much and love being together; we actually choose being together as a family over most other things. Maybe it’s because my dad immigrated here when he was 15 and slowly brought my aunts, unlces and cousins here to start a new life. Maybe its because we were all we had or maybe it’s a cultural thing. I have no idea what it is but I will forever be grateful and thankful to have been born into this family with these people. We are truly lucky. And at the same time we are also unlucky. Cancer has taken two from us, a car accident, one, and now Payam’s heart has beaten it’s last. F*ck. It’s heartbreaking.
Over the last 3 weeks we’ve all been together a lot. Us cousins used to always congregate in an area and talk about life, now we are down one and the void is enormous, unbearable really. It’s so hard to be together as a family and be missing one of our “lights”. Always, watching the door waiting for him to walk in. Glancing around the room and swearing that you caught a glimpse of him or heard the deep rumble of his voice. The reality of it is deafening. Part of me wonders if our bodies are keeping us in shock because the reality of the loss is just to great to bear. I feel like we may never get over this, but then I know we have before. And even when I say that, this time feels different…the void is great.
I wonder if the light will even come back to my aunts eyes. It took so long before…of course it did, but eventually the light was there again. If you met her, you would love her. She bears her soul for all to see… her heart and kindness are unmatched. She is something special. The ones who have seen the darkest of dark really do shine the brightest and she is one of those bright lights. I hope we get to experience it again.
I was talking to my girl friend about life and all of this and she told me to write about it, so here I am, writing about it and working through my grief. I feel like this post doesn’t do him justice, so maybe I’ll revisit when I’m in a better place about it.